Looking Back on… Someone kill that fucking roided-up freak (WWE Rant, 2002)

(Back to wrestling column recaps, since that’s kind of a Friday thing for now and holy shit does a lot of what I said a decade ago apply now, sometimes.)

Someone kill that fucking roided-up freak.

Yeah, this is about HHH. (I wasn’t a fan, for reference.)

So I’ve basically stopped watching WWE programming as of late, (For the second time; the first was right after Diesel won the title off of Backlund, until about 1998, and the third time was right after the whole Benoit double murder/suicide thing and has more or less stuck, save for a brief resurgence when Zack Ryder was getting his push, and again when Daniel Bryan was getting shot up the card to the title.) mainly because of the fact that Shawn Michaels and The Big Show are our World Champions… Shawn, because he’s a placeholder champion until HHH takes the belt back, (Which was, in point of fact, correct, not that this was a surprise or anything.) and Show, because, well, he exists. (He’d just won it off of Lesnar, which was incredibly short-sighted and helped neither man.) There doesn’t need to be a better reason, does there? But anyway, I’ve keeping up with current events with the online recaps, and honestly, I don’t feel like I’m missing much. Sure, I missed Brock putting Show through a table, but I also missed HHH ruining the HBK-RVD match, (Which most were secretly hoping would end with Michaels putting over RVD to give him the belt, since that was the original plan with HHH and all. HAHA yeah, okay.) Show vs. Moolah, (… wait, Big Show wrestled the Fabulous Moolah? What in the fuck?) and, of course, the “Aunt Flo” comment… (I assume this has something to do with menstrual cycles, but fuck me if I know what in specific or how it relates to professional wrestling.) so believe me, I consider that a more than fair trade.

But anyway, to be quite honest, I’m not really missing the WWE product at this point, and honestly, while that has a lot to do with the general stagnation of the product, the same matches card after card, and the boring angles that wouldn’t entertain a five-year old, (I know it’s hard to believe, but I did not, in point of fact, write this recently. The WWE has just honestly been doing this for, legit, over a decade.) I have to say that I honestly don’t miss it for an entirely different reason altogether.

I’m getting bored watching HHH suck himself off on camera week after week. (See above.)

I mean, yeah, the man was injured during the final match of the PPV. I can respect that. He was having breathing problems, and might, accent on MIGHT have lost consciousness once or twice during the match. Fine, he’s a trooper. But WHY did he have to feel obligated to lay down for his best friend, as opposed to, say, bowing out gracefully and letting Jericho take the loss? (Oh, okay, this is in reference to the first ever Elimination Chamber match; basically, RVD kneed HHH in the throat and fucked him up super bad, to the point that Hunter probably should’ve bowed out and let someone else take the fall instead of risking serious long-term injury. The optimist says he did it because he’s an old-school kind of guy and Harley Race would’ve finished the match; the pessimist says he did it because he’s an egotist and wanted to put over his friend. Considering he won a match against Goldberg where HHH entered the match with a groin tear and basically did nothing, I’m saying “probably both.”) And why, for that matter, did I have to hear his name mentioned a bazillion times on my TV set the day after the PPV, when he wasn’t even there? (Because Stephanie McMahon is the box the Game comes in.) Yeah, he got injured, that doesn’t mean I need to know up-to-the-minute details here about when he’s taking a shit, and which way he’s wiping the paper against his ass cheeks. (I feel like there’s a Jeff Hardy joke in here somewhere.) Mention he’s injured, bring it up once or twice again, and call it a night. Simple, yet effective.

So when did this become the HHH show, anyway? (OH JUST WAIT, IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE.)

I mean, come on now… while Smackdown might be a safehouse for those looking for solid wrestling and decent storylines (on occasion), Raw is still a shithole. You’ve got some of the most talented workers in the business on that show, guys like RVD, Booker T, Jericho, and more, and what do we get week after week? Test going on and on about his Testicles, (Haha I completely forgot that Test came up with that as a nickname for his fans.) The Dudleys stealing Jericho and Christian’s clothes, (I got nothing.) and of course, HHH. Lots and lots of HHH. TONS of HHH. It’s getting to the point where I go outside and expect to see him on my front lawn spitting water on my rusty useless car, then cutting a boring promo on my mailman before Pedigreeing him on his own mailbag. (My first car was a legit fifteen year old hand-me-down with rust spots that mostly didn’t run, to qualify that statement.)

Okay, that was pretty bad. I apologize. (After no less then ten people told me it was the single funniest thing I’ve ever written, I rescind my apology and take full pride in the visual of HHH hitting the Pedigree on a mailperson head-first into their own mailbag. My only shame is that it never truly happened.)

But the point is still consistent. Why do I have to feel obligated to see this bloated sack of shit destroy any credible challengers for the World Title, when I can play Smackdown 4 and have my character do that? (Holy shit, HHH was just LARPING Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain THIS WHOLE TIME.) I mean, seriously… it’s entertaining when I do it, because I’M the one playing. It’s boring watching someone else do it, especially someone as limited in the ring as he is. (Also I never make people watch me do it, except that one time when I livestreamed it, and that was by request.)

Yeah, the man had some fantastic matches in 2000. Guess what, it’s not 2000 anymore. (To be fair that’s a common complaint about a lot of aging wrestlers, and he did improve a lot a couple of years later.) He’s nursing an injury, boring millions of fans on a weekly basis, and generally putting on shitty matches that no one cares about anymore. Yeah, he had a great match with Michaels at (I forgot the name of the show and never went back to look it up. It was, in point of fact, at Summerslam.), and the Elimination Chamber was a decent outing, but honestly, his match with Jericho at Wrestlemania was boring as shit, (This would be the match in 2002, which was based around HHH feuding with Stephanie and Jericho being a proxy in it, and involved Jericho running over HHH’s dog in what was one of the single worst concepts… that year at the very least. Wait, shit, when was Katie Vick? I’ll be right back.) his jobbing to Hogan a month later was really stupid, and didn’t have a real point to it, every match after that was worse than the last, and putting the belt on him on Raw was an absolute waste of my time. (OH MY GOD KATIE VICK WAS A MONTH BEFORE THIS WAS WRITTEN. I don’t know if I wrote about that but holy shit I need to go check.)

I mean, if it’s not working, give it up, ya know? (I… kind of did. I’ll just explain it when we get there if you don’t know what I’m talking about.)

But they’re not giving up. They keep pushing HHH down our throats, gagging us with his interviews, his matches, his INSANE push to the top, his burial of anyone who’s not him or Michaels, and his twenty minute long intro. (How I managed to get through that entire sentence on gagging without once mentioning his dick I have no idea.) Dig this: His run-in on the RVD-Michaels match on Raw was concocted solely by him, with the single purpose being that he wanted to be involved in the main event. (Probably, though we’ll almost certainly never know for sure.) He wants to keep his heat, and he wants to make himself look strong, so that when he goes over Michaels next PPV, he looks like a badass.

News flash, Paul: You’re not over, you’re not cool, and we don’t care. (The terrible thing is, this went on for years. He dropped the title to Goldberg during the summer, took it back shortly after that, then dropped it to Benoit before taking it off of hot new property Randy Orton, basically murdering his push dead in the process. Batista would then take the belt off of HHH the following Wrestlemania to kill this entire run deader than dirt; meanwhile, the people he buried in the process all ended up becoming champion long after the fact, when HHH was mostly well outside of their frame of influence, while Goldberg and Lesnar both dropped out of the company not long after, and Batista left a few years later to go film movies and try out MMA. Oh and I’m forgetting how he buried the shit out of Edge behind the scenes for years and cut him off from at least one potential early title run, but you can read a Keith book for all that.)

But I for one will no longer be a part of it. I’ve given up on Raw, and I will continue to avoid it until HHH is off of my TV screen. (I came back for the Benoit win, and in retrospect, I wish I hadn’t.) I’m not saying you should do the same, but honestly, if you’re as sick of HHH as I am, stop watching. If there’s no one watching him perform, then there will be no reason to keep him on TV. Sooner or later, Vince will realize that and send him back to the midcard, which is where he belongs until he can get his act back together, or the WWE will close down, which I don’t see happening. (Nope; they basically treaded water until Batista and Cena won the belts a year and a half after this, and the company has essentially been on autopilot ever since. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.)

Until then, you of course know that World Wrestling Entertainment needs an enema.

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