Looking Back on… Enter the Rant: Your Hot Cup of Rant Part 2 (Editorial)

Egads, more classic rant! (Depending on your definition of the word “classic.”) Well, this was the beginning of the end for the E-mail rants… (Yes, a whole SECOND EMAIL LATER I was already tired of doing them. I have no idea how I got through college and a decade of video game writing either.) I was so overly consumed with context over content that I dumped in a whole pissload of extra shit no one cared about, like reviews and such, into the E-mail. (I’m… pretty sure that explanation is backwards.) Ultimately, I stopped doing them altogether, because I became so bored with doing all of this that I just gave up. Sadly, having read over my work, you didn’t miss much… again, the flow is extremely random, and the only real entertainment is in how many creative profanities I could sling together in five sentences. (My record is twenty). (You may be surprised to learn this, but I did not, in point of fact, actually keep track of that.)

However, this is one of my favorites, because of both the Xerox Bands rant, and the Green Acres Rant. (I am going into this entirely blind and commenting as I go, but while I remember both rants topically, I’m totally blind as to their content. In other words, don’t expect that “favorite” descriptor to hold up, especially not in a world where I’ve since written about multiple topics three or more times each.)  Xerox bands was ultimately rather pointless, as my opinion of about half the bands mentioned changed six months later, but it was the concept that mattered at the time. (It’s also still relevant even now, even if the genre changed.) And Green Acres was one of my favorites because it was humorous, even without understanding the subject matter. (Well, I’ll let YOU be the judge of that, but… probably not.) I think both influenced the work I do today… at least, I hope so.

Also, my name has been changed to protect the guilty, namely, me. (I feel like it’s good to have an easily identifiable “brand” these days, if only because it’s memorable.)

And here we go!

Hello all, I’m Rantmaster Mark, and this is ‘Your Hot Cup of Rant’. (STOP FUCKING LAUGHING.)

Okay, I know it ain’t the greatest title out there, but you know what? Fuck you. It’s better than you could come up with, with about five hours of sleep and two and a half hours of Japanese Animation running through your head. (I think I was big into Martian Successor Nadesico at this point, if I had to guess, so that’s probably what I’m talking about.) If I come up with something better, I’ll let you know. (Well, I DID, but it took a fairly long time.)

Also, new SN folks This is mainly because I don’t wanna miss any e-mails from potential new subscribers, so you’s can e-mail me here, whether it be to subscribe, un-subscribe, make a comment, or forward me an idea. Or if you’re really f’n bored, I don’t care. (I’m referring to the fact that I had made an email address specifically for distributing the list; this was back in the days where making a new email address was kind of a pain in the butt, but I wanted to segregate “rant” emails from “normal” emails, because at twenty you feel like every email you receive is important I guess. It’s worth noting that I’ve kept that name long past its expiration as an email address, though you’d think I’d change it by now. Old habits I guess.)

Finally, a note to you all… the content contained herein is meant to be entertaining, regardless of subject matter. If you don’t get what a particular topic is about, don’t worry; so long as the actual rant is amusing, then that’s all that matters. And if it isn’t, well, fuck you, who asked you anyway? (Ah, the days when I had no concept of why “constructive criticism” was of value. Man, if 4chan had existed when I was twenty I’d almost certainly have been a much shittier person. Think about that.)

Anyway first things first before I forget dammit, I forgot. Hang on, it’ll come to me. I’ll go bang my head against something, waitaminute.

………………………………

Okay, I’m back, and in slightly more pain now, so let’s try this again. (I will never not like that joke framing.) First off, in light of the recent happenings as of late, I’m going to try to keep this as non-serious as possible. So, let us not take any of this as an offense, remember, assholes are people too. Well, most of us. (Still on about 9/11, for contextual reference.)

Second off, I’d like it to be noted that, having been mentioned this by a few people, if you know anyone who would like to be added, E-mail me their address, or better yet, have THEM e-mail me. No sense working harder than you have to, right? (These days you just make a Facebook page about it and ask your friends to shill you to others. Times, they change.) Bad enough you  don’t bother to write responses, you lazy fucks, why bother sending me lists of people’s e-mails? Not that I’m bitter. 🙂 (Oh God, smiley faces.)

BTW as I said, I’m a little tired, so I’m working on this in bits and pieces, so don’t yell at me if parts don’t make sense, I have no life. (Fifteen years later and that hasn’t changed much.)

Anyway, new stuff this week folks:

DVD review of the week: Lita: It Just Feels Right. (Fun fact: I still own this.) Alright, now I do understand that a lot of you would never consider owning something like this, and I know my expectations shouldn’t be too high, but in all honesty, I can’t really fathom giving this any higher than a 2: one for each of the motivating factors concerning this purchase. (It’s funny because Lita has boobs, you see. This was before she hooked up with Edge and her boobs became literally her only notable asset, but long after she became one of the worst female wrestlers in the company because of a broken neck and a year recovery that left her lagging behind the rest of the division. Though, man, if Lita debuted in NXT now she’d probably end up becoming one of the best wrestlers in the company, because she did have some legit talent and Sara Del Ray is a teaching god.) (and if you don’t know what those are, I think it’s time you have a nice long talk with someone about the birds and the bees. Oh, god, no, not your parents, I mean like a merchant marine or a prostitute or something.) (It’s funny because old people don’t know about sex.) ANYWAY …… no one’s buying this DVD for the wrestling action, because as talented as Amy Dumas (real name, folks) (I don’t know why I needed to clarify that.) might be, she’s no Pete Gas (that’s for you, John). (A friend of mine was big into Pete Gas as a joke around this time, I think because of EWR.) We’re watching this, honestly, because either A. We admire Lita, or B. We fantasize about her. (Note the lack of gender specific notations; I’d like to think that there are gay men who admire her, and lesbians who want to sail to tuna town.) (I need you to understand, people asked me to email this to them. They thought it was funny. Jesus fucking Christ.) To be honest, I’d have to put myself in the former category. I mean, there’s nothing I’d love to be more than T&A. I’d love to be something little boys jerk off to in the privacy of their parents bathrooms, and I must confess, I’d love to dress like that I WANNA BE A SEX SYMBOL DAMMIT! (Considering that Lita motivated AJ Lee into becoming a pro wrestler, and I’ve since become an actual fan of women’s wrestling instead of a sarcastic horny teenager, I think we can just say, “Man I used to be worse than I am now, relatively speaking,” and move on.) ::blinks:: Um… well, uh, let’s pretend we didn’t see that… anyway, moving along…

CD review of the week Adema; selftitle. Anybody who expected something besides this, tough. It’s a damn good CD, complete with all the trimmings of a top-level industrial-hardcore band. (Hah, yeah, that opinion changed fairly quickly for me.) It’s not perfect, but for a first-time attempt, I give it high marks. And in the interest of fairness, yes, the band DOES sound uncomfortably like Korn, but to be fair, the lead singer IS Jonathan Davis’ brother, y’know. (If you didn’t, now you do.) (Half brother, technically, and Mark Chavez, said lead singer, bailed out after the second record along with the guitarist because of “creative differences,” meaning in this case that HE says that, and everyone else says he was an asshole.) This was a worthwhile investment, though after the above comments (the Lita thing, not the Jon Davis bit) I’m sure you all question my sanity at this point, so invest the 10 bucks and see for yourself. (I should note that you can now listen to the entire thing on Youtube, and as you’d expect, it kind of sounds like what you’d expect: Jon Davis fronting an industrial band, AKA, modern Korn. It has a good sound for the time, and Chavez has a fine voice, if a bit to nasal at times, but the biggest problem is that the lyrics sounds like middle-school composition book bullshit. That was fine when I was twenty or so, I suppose, but these days I cringe at the lyrics, which takes away a lot of the appeal.)

Random rants:

The WWF ran a rather special show on Thursday… during it, they made prolonged speeches about how they took this attack. Bradshaw’s was the highlight, he made a comment about turning their land into a parking lot, and I damn near died. (Yeah, well, I grew up and JBL didn’t, basically. I also neglected to mention the part where Stephanie McMahon compared the US Government to terrorists, so I think the lesson here is, we all say stupid shit in our twenties.) The Rock also beat the mess out of Shawn Stasiak after making a few veiled references to Shawn being gay (do you like the strudel?) All things considered, gay references don’t pop into my mind as the first thing I’d think of after a terrorist attack, but I laughed, so all is well. (It should be noted that, first, I laughed because the whole thing was just The Rock mocking Sean Stasiak in general, not because of the gay jokes, and second, The Rock has been doing that same gimmick for a fucking decade now, why do we still pop for it? I mean, don’t get me wrong, dude’s charismatic as hell, but when you want to talk about “same old shit,” The Rock doesn’t exactly beat John Cena in that department or anything.)

Kittie will be releasing a new CD sometime in the next month or so, called Oracle. Anyone who wants to listen to the first horrendous track can go to www. kittie.net and DL it. When the CD drops, expect legions of horny boys and butch girls to line up around the block for it, whilst I go violently retch. (Misogyny aside, Kittie is one of those bands I gave an honest try because the single off of the first record, Brackish, was kind of okay, but man oh man, they just were not any good. A decade later, they’re still in the same boat: taken on their merits they’re generally uninteresting and base, and taken as a metal act they’re generally rudimentary mechanically and structurally, and you’ve almost certainly heard better. Still though, I apparently cared enough to mention it at the time, so I guess I was hoping they’d get better? Not so much.)

Speaking of CD’s, two products were just recently pulled from the shelves of local retailers: Dream Theater’s new “Live from NY” CD, as well as Command and Conquer Red Alert. It seems that both had an image of the New York Skyline in flames. Nope, I have no clue what could be offensive about THAT. (Well, the Dream Theater recall, to be fair, was because it came out on 9/11, so that’s really a case of horrible fucking timing as much as anything else. Also the issue was with Red Alert II, because the back featured an image of the Twin Towers being blown up, and, again, it had only come out a year prior, so it was still something people were aware of.)

Retail employees rejoice! It seems that finally the mad rush for the Game Boy Advance has slowed to a crawl, which means we now receive a two month break before the X-Box (GODDAMMIT.) and Gamecube drop to store shelves, giving most retail employees time to either find a better job, find a full-time drug dealer, or find enough rope to hang themselves with. (Yeah, as it turns out, neither console did anything close to the sort of business that would cause mass calamity. Go figure.)

And as a final note, we have had an interesting development in need of attention only I can give strike near home today… John has announced he needs new porn, Expect to see him in an ‘adult’ store near you. Better yet, we’re setting up shop for donations. E-mail me if you wish to help in this time of need. (I think he mentioned this while I was writing up the email, hence its inclusion.)

(Admittedly, that last bit of news was in bad taste, but to be honest, I wanted to fit it in somehow. If you found it offensive, either accept my humble apologies, or lick me where I shit. Choice is yours.) (“Lick me where I shit, like mother like child.” God bless HoL.)

Okay, on to the meat and potatoes:

MAIN RANT # 1: Xerox bands, and why it needs to stop.

Scott, this one’s for you. (Another former co-worker. I believe this particular person was once described by us as having the prettiest hair in the store. It’s a long story.)

The other day (Tuesday, if you care) I was in work and happened to notice TVT had a display set up where TVT employees (read., street team) (Read as: people who were free to work for eight hours answering stupid questions and handing out free samples.) were handing out promo’s for a new CD they were producing, Default. Oh, and some stuff promoting Sevendust’s new CD. (That would have been Animosity, which was the last record before they got good again for a couple years.) TVT FYI, has helped promote such bands as KMFDM (who dumped them because they’re a shitty label), (Man, that story is kind of a mess; basically the band retired after Adios because their TVT contract was done, they hated TVT in general, and the band members all hated each other, which is probably because of the TVT dealings. These days, En Esch is mostly still making music that sounds like what KMFDM sounded like when it was good, and KMFDM keeps making… whatever the fuck they make.) Sevendust, Gravity Kills, and Sister Machine Gun (see KMFDM). (Yeah, they had a lot of bands on their roster who weren’t Top 40 material, which they apparently treated like shit, which caused those bands to leave, which became something of a vicious cycle in later years, until they went defunct in 2008.) Well, I was a little intrigued, and, as I took a copy, I asked what this new band sounded like.

“They sound like Creed.” The woman replied.

“And?”

‘They sound like Creed.” She said again.

In case you’re interested, they do sound like Creed. (If you’ve ever heard “Wasting My Time,” then yes, you too know that they sound like Creed.)

The point of this is that I think Xeroxed, carbon copy, cookie cutter bands need to go the hell away. I mean, yes, it’s nice some bands have a distinct sound that makes them popular, but do you NEED to sound like them to become popular? Hell no, you don’t! If the only way you can get popular (read: signed) is to rip off someone else, then do us all a favor take all your CD’s, all your bumper stickers, all your band paraphernalia and burn the lot of it, Just dump it in a hole somewhere, (preferably down south, where it’s legal) (By which I meant it’s legal to burn your trash; this wasn’t meant as a specific slight against the South so much as an acknowledgement that it’s generally not legal behavior in the northern US for the most part.) pour some gasoline on it, and throw a match in after it, and spare us all the trouble of listening to you get popular for a month before the REAL band releases a new CD. (Hilariously enough, Creed themselves basically released their last album that would matter in the grand scheme of things a few months later, Weathered, before everyone got sick of them and they more or less broke up until around 2009, so there could have theoretically been room for them to move into the spot occupied by Creed. However, they weren’t anything interesting as a band, even if I think they sound okay enough, and we were all super sick of Creed at that point, though the band that rose up to replace them, Nickleback, was not at all an improvement. On a related note, Chad Kroeger of Nickleback discovered Default, so if you felt a little bad for their slump into obscurity here, please don’t.) I’m sorry, but for every Black Crows (who themselves were a pale shadow of the Talking Heads…. Look it up) (Ehhhh… I think I took that from someone else I knew; while there are certain similarities, the reality is the bands had a different aesthetic, and while you could make that argument, it’s not a strong one.) there DOES NOT need to be a Buckcherry. For every Staind, there DOES NOT need to be a Cold. (Though, I’ve found myself listening to “Just Got Wicked” more than the entire Staind CD…) (I don’t think Cold was meant to be a Staind copy-off so much as everyone was biting off of Korn because THEY were the alpha dog in that yard, but yes, I liked Cold a lot more than Staind, and I still feel like they’re generally a better band. Come at me.) For every Deftones, there does not NEED to be a Glassjaw (Oh god, there really doesn’t … ) (I actually listened to a Glassjaw record because a girl I was interested in at the time mentioned she was a fan, and I hated almost all of the record. Time has not been kind to it, but even then, it wasn’t great.) And for every Creed., there does NOT FUCKING NEED TO BE A DEFAULT. Odd, that being the name they chose- it’s fitting.

But why stop there? Why not burn all the stuff put out by the trendy ‘me too’ bands? Bands like Mushroomhead (who, while I like them, are little more than a pale reminder of Slipknot with some classical music-esque beats thrown in), (Not so much. While the aesthetic of both bands is very similar, Mushroomhead is much more eclectic stylistically, and both bands have evolved to a point where Slipknot is releasing songs that are vocally strong and Mushroomhead are releasing Adele covers, so I mean… I feel like the world needs both of those things.) Kittie (Crappy hardcore done by girls who have more piercings than the law should allow, ESPECIALLY with them being below the age of consent), (Oh right, I forgot about that part. Anyway, it’s more some variation of metal, but yes, I would probably be fine if Kitty broke up.) and Endo (a sucky rapcore band… Sorry, Scott, but it’s true.). (Oh, different Scott; big music fan I knew who, and I don’t mean this as an insult, looked kind of looked like you’d expect a music nerd in the 2000’s to look. He got me into Stereomud, but yes, Endo was kind of uninteresting.) I mean, how many times do we need to hear something that got signed because its type of music is ‘popular’? Limp Bizkit was perfectly fine, in and of itself, (I respectfully disagree.) but I’m sorry, we didn’t need Poppa Roach. (though I’m glad Linkin Park got signed, Poppa Roach sucks a fat heavy one.) (I still contend that Linkin Park was a perfectly fine act for what it was, and it was the massive popularity that did them in to the point that people still use them as a “go cry emo kid” joke, but yes, Papa Roach can fuck off.) Kid Rock was all well and good, but did we REALLY fucking need Uncle Cracker? (To be fair, I gave Uncle Kracker’s rap work a critical analysis a couple years ago, and while I feel like he had a big problem with figuring out how to close his raps, he was a gifted freestyle rapper, and he was almost certainly more talented as a writer and a rapper than Kid Rock himself. If he’d come around as a solo act a year earlier and with a couple better tracks on his debut he wouldn’t have needed “Follow Me” to carry him, but he’s doing okay in country music, so more power to him.) And for chrissakes, WHY did Eminem have to go get a posse?!? (Fuck you past me, D12 is awesome as fuck, and Proof and Bizarre are national goddamn treasures.) When did music become about cramming as much bullshit copyrock as we can find down the throats of the consumer? (Since ever; how many copy-rock bands do you think copied the Beatles? All of them.) Eventually we puke it all up, and only the truly talented stay around. It’s a cycle we repeat constantly, and it will never end

And don’t even GET me started on U-2 ripping off A -ha. (Specifically, they ripped off part of “Beautiful Day” from “The Sun Always Shines on TV,” more specifically part of the chorus.)

Moving on …

RANT #2 – Living in Green Acres, all without leaving the house.

For those of you that do not play video games actively (or at all, you weirdoes), there are many different things you can do in the world of interactive imagination (patent pending). (I never tried to copyright that, because it was stupid.) You can save the world from alien invaders, you can build friendships whilst thwarting the plots of an evil warlord, and you can play any sport imaginable.

Or you could go move into Green fucking Acres.

This, in short, is a commentary about Harvest Moon in general, and Harvest Moon: Back to Nature for PSX (Playstation) in specific. (That hasn’t changed much in the past decade or so.) For those of you that own the game, you’ll know what I’m talking about right off the bat. For those that don’t own it, but have heard (of) it, played a previous version, or were curious about it, this is a good idea of what to expect. For those that have NEVER heard of it, or don’t care about, keep reading, this is funny anyway. (Sigh.)

This game is basically an anti-thesis (You… don’t need to put a dash in there, past me. “Antithesis” is an actual word.) to all expected RPG standards; rather than an evil to thwart or a damsel to save, you’re expected to run a farm. Yes, a farm. Suspend disbelief for a moment, it gets better. Apparently, your grandfather owned this farm some years (how many is unspecified) ago, and you visited him on it once before, taking in all the sights, all while making friends with a local girl. Needless to say, granddad bought the farm (oh, come on, how often is that appropriate) (Was it really appropriate THEN?) and you’re up to the task of renovating it. (This is honestly the plot of 75% of the Harvest Moon titles out there, minus some details: shit happens, you’re running a farm now! Story of Seasons was the first one I can recall where you applied for the job because of a love of nature in the first place, rather than being bullied into doing it because of outside forces, which I think is a better way of handling it. I mean, fuck man, if one of my relatives died and left me a farm I’d fucking sell that shit. I work in IT, man.)

It’s from here things get screwed up.

The Mayor of this little burg in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere lays out the rules: Make this shithole profitable in three years, or you’re off. Now, it should be noted that I don’t grasp that too well…. This was my granddad’s land, I own it, fuck off and die with your little ultimatums, I can do as I wish, asshole. I can fucking turn it into a brothel with a bed and breakfast for all you can fucking do about it. (That’s also a common plot point in the franchise: you have to make the farm profitable and/or make friends in X amount of time, or fuck you, you’re out. It makes sense from a “close knit community” perspective, but from a property and land ownership perspective… not so much.) But no, this little bastard (who looks for all the world like the mayor of Townsville) (I don’t even know why I knew that; I’ve seen all of three episodes of Powerpuff Girls and I had to Google the name to remember who the hell he is.) feels that this is his town, and as such, he decides who stays and who goes. Well, gee, thanks there Mr. Probst, has the tribe spoken on that one? (Hurray for dated Survivor jokes.) Oh, as a side thing, if you can’t get along with the townspeople, you’re done too. Okay, now let me see if I have this straight… The woodcutter can wander aimlessly through the hills as much as his heart desires, coming into town once a week to buy groceries, but I have to fucking make friends?!? (Well, it’s assumed he made friends with people before we got there, but basically, yes.) Well, if by making friends you mean giving gifts and helping out whenever possible without getting anything in return (well, almost never) then you hit the nail on the freakin’ head! Je-sus, no wonder this town is so backwater. (I think they gave you stuff on your birthday, but basically.)

It gets better though, folks the farm is in what is without question the WORST shape I’ve ever seen in my life. (Again, common franchise trope. Don’t know why that is though; it implies a specific form of laziness amongst the townsfolk. “New guy’s coming in. Clean the place up for them? Fuck no, let them work it out. Builds character.”)

Now, if the folks around here LOVED my grandfather SO much, why the fuck didn’t they HELP KEEP THE PLACE UP?!? Oh well, the house is still standing, so that’s something…. Though I’m curious how the hell BOULDERS ended up in the field. “Look Pa, it’s an asteroid!” “No, son, it’s just a frozen chunk of toilet waste. See the peanut?” “That’s a space peanut!” (Joe Dirt? Fucking really past me?) Um, kay.

Your neighbors are like the cast of a demented Hee-Haw. You’ve got the town police chief (not to mention the only cop in town), who’s the Mayor’s son, oddly enough (nepotism rules!); (To be fair, you’re the only person who’s really moved into town in a while, so it’s not like they can afford to be choosy.) the shopkeeper, who’s up to his neck in bills, but still manages to stay open. Why’s he in debt? Because everyone takes things from his shop… WITHOUT PAYING! And he lets this happen! (I don’t believe you can do this in the game, though, which could be blamed on protagonist morality, though I think it’s mostly that you just feel bad for him.) His daughter, all of a teenager, has more balls than he does… she probably helped conceive herself, either that, or this guy’s wife is sleeping around, which would explain why his daughter’s a lush. (Ah, Karen, the one woman I always made into my wife in Mineral Town. Why, you ask? Because I could give her wine every day and she’d love me for it. Everyone else wanted jewelry and shit, but not Karen; get her a nice bottle of booze and she was all set to go. Honestly, while it’s nice that someone can love you for the expensive or complicated gifts you give, true love is someone knowing you’re super broke and accepting the cheap hooch you give them with a smile all the same.) Anyway you’ve got the church, which has two near-permanent residents: The pastor, who just looks like a pervert, (To be fair, he does.) and a guy who has, to the best of my knowledge, NO REASON to be there.,… and if that’s not bad enough, three days of the week, two of the neighborhood young ones play with the Pastor at the church. I’m not even going to go there, I can’t do it. (Well, I mean, the game was almost certainly developed long before that was a thing, and Japan has an… odd relationship with the Jeudo-Christian faith, so that was almost certainly me over-reading something to be a douche.) Oh yeah, and you’ve got the Chinese traveling salesman in the multi-colored hat (who, it should be noted, the cop was looking for for like, half a day). I think you get the idea.

ANYWAY, in this little adventure, you meet up with many of the screwed up locals, five of whom you can woo. One’s a girly-girl who asks one minute why her father didn’t teach her anything about farming, then proclaims the next that she finds farming boring; (Oh, and you’re supposed to marry her and live on a farm together, which will almost certainly end poorly.) one’s a book-nerd, complete with glasses and no chest, (Though, I mean, it’s fucking Harvest Moon, it’s not like anyone was playing this for large bust sizes and titillation. Well, not with the people anyway…) one’s a tomboy who wears overalls ALL THE TIME, ‘cept for special events, and who’s father tries to foist her off on any man he sees; (Which, to be fair, she was perfectly nice, so that seems kind of mean-spirited.) one’s a doctor’s assistant who the doctor wants to give a ‘checkup’, (I should note here that every wooable female in the game had a male suitor that was after them, which kind of put you on the clock to make them like you more than the other guy, which is almost certainly why it takes a fucking year to get so much as a date with someone.) and one’s an adventurous lush with blonde highlights. Yes, BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS IN FUCKING EAST BUMBLEFUCK! (Oh Karen.) Needless to say, your dating choices are a little skewed (or should I say screwed?)…. I picked the lush because it’s great to woo a chick you can give booze too, and she’ll love you forever. (Well at least I’m honest about it, fuck you.) Of course, it takes, like, a freakin’ YEAR to get even close to a date with these people….. (No, I wasn’t kidding about that, why do you ask?)

Next up, we have the fact that this place, being so far removed from any kind of real life, has the weirdest occurrences… you never need to worry about cars hitting farm life, but stray dogs pop up nearly every damn day… (Which is, in fairness, probably an issue in the more rural parts of town, especially when no one will just shoot them, which is… probably unlike more rural parts of town.) your character, as opposed to becoming stronger as he works, becomes stronger by eating Power Berries, which can only be found after completing certain events… (Well no; some were acquired that way, but others could be found by digging in the mine, and if we’re being honest, the Mineral Town series of games was arguably the best because it provided simple things like that to improve your character, instead of obtuse systems that took months or years in-game to accomplish. This is also true of Story of Seasons, by the by: while I love the franchise, I hate playing a game where I perform six actions and can’t do shit for the rest of the day unless I spend money I don’t have.) There’s a festival nearly every fucking week in this hellhole, so one has to wonder how anyone does ANY work, not to mention how weird all the festivals ARE… (It’s not so much that the festivals were weird per say, as it was that they were basically odd when taken out of context, especially since becoming friendly with everyone involved constant participation.) Jeez, by the time the Goddess popped out of the waterfall and the green, booger-looking thing called Kappa came out of the lake, (Which is actually a Kappa, something I was wholly unfamiliar with at the time.) I wasn’t even fazed. And don’t get me started on the Harvest Sprites … (Fuck you buddum, the Harvest Sprites were awesome.)

Technologically, this town is beyond words… your TV gets 4 channels; 1 for weather, I for news, and 2 for random weird shit. (Television shows that meant nothing in context, basically.) You get the Home Shopping Network once a week too, but it should be noted that to buy these items, you need to call the network. “So, what’s hard about that?” you ask. Well, nothing, except that YOU DON’T OWN A PHONE! (Yeah, that has always been one of the downsides of the franchise; in order to make the towns feel more “down home,” they end up creating an environment that’s so backwards that they do things that haven’t been stereotypes since, at best, the 70’s.) Nope, only phone in town is in the Inn, and it costs $10 to use. $10! Good lord, how fucked up IS this hellhole? (Well, I mean, you gotta make your money somehow I… guess?) Weirder still, these people can deliver to your home with, apparently, NO PROBLEMS whatsoever… the place has no cars and no roads FOR cars, yet has a dock and a shipping boat – quite a large one, at that… need I go on? (Well, they are both a coastal town and a shipping town, so I guess it makes sense, but the lack of car-supportive roads still seems weird, really.) And I haven’t even mentioned the mining and fishing aspects, some of the weirder things for a farmer to be wasting his time on, or that winning competitions makes your animals produce golden produce… I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I’d wanna drink golden milk. (SHOWER YOURSELF IN THE GOLDEN SPRAY.)

So, after a little while, all I can think is WHY THE FUCK DON’T I SELL THIS SHITHOLE OF LAND, MOVE BACK TO A NORMAL CITY AND GET SMASHED WITH THE MONEY I MAKE?!? And then it hits me… for, no doubt, the exact reason your grandfather never sold… who the fuck would buy a plot of land here? Well, besides a psychopath, or a redneck, of course. (Which your grandfather probably was, in fairness.)

And the sad thing is, I find this game fun and addictive. (Still do; the Mineral Town series was arguably the best series in all of the Harvest Moon games, and it still holds up really well, even now.)

Next week: Demented Pets (I know, I promised it this week, but things changed, don’t cry) and my rant on nonsmokers. (I don’t remember either of those, so that should be… interesting. I do remember being on this big “I’m a smoker and FUCK YOU” kick when I was in my twenties, though, back when I was invincible and not hacking up a lung first thing in the morning. Don’t smoke kids.)

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